Healing Questions (#221) ⭕️
Questions are your primary instrument. Learn them well.
Everything we know has its origins in questions.
Questions, we might say, are the principal intellectual instruments available to human beings.
— Neil Postman.
Questions are everything in the practice of psychotherapy.
If we learn to see questions not just as a means to get an answer, we can start to see the reflexive possibility for healing.
I don’t mean to make this become another “technique.” Rather, if we treat questions as a powerful instrument, we can sharpen the use of it in therapeutic conversations, and appreciate the impact questions have on the one we are asking, and also on the one who is asking.
Especially if you are working with youths, leaving too much ambiguity and open space for them can cause feelings of overwhelm, and thoughts like ‘not sure where this is going,’ etc.
In such instances, when you are armed with a clear direction and what to ask, questions become good conversational prompts.
If the therapist does not actively engage with useful prompts, the evidence indicate that young people tend to dropout from treatment.
Here’s a snippet from a previous missive, in FF198: Working With Youths (Part II)
Riley: I’m just tired all the time, I do not know why. I’m always tired
[1-min silence]. Was I meant to say something?Therapist: What?
Riley: Was I meant to say something?
Therapist: What do you mean?
Riley: I do not, you weren’t saying anything, so I thought I was meant to say something.
Therapist: Mm [5-s silence]. What would that be?
Riley: I do not know, I really do not know. I do not really know what to talk about…The researchers noted,
Throughout the session, the therapist was nondirective in responding to Riley, who was openly expressing her difficulty with knowing what to talk about.
Riley also said to the therapist: “it’ll make it a lot easier if you just ask questions,” demonstrating openness with what she wanted from the therapist. Throughout the session, the therapist’s nondirective approach was met with minimal response rupture markers from Riley, who became increasingly withdrawn throughout the session.
Differences between a Good Question and a Healing Question
Is there a difference between a good question and a healing question?
A good question often makes you look smart. A healing question, on the other hand, allows clients to think and dig deeper into their memory bank and felt experiences.
A good question may elicit a good answer. A healing question often brings about a pause, followed by a search within.
A good question can give you facts. A healing question taps into a deeper truth.
A good question can cause insight. A healing question can be like someone gently pressing on a spot that hurts, seemingly causing more pain at first, but ultimately bringing about relief and restoration.
Dumb Questions
Dumb questions might annoy some friends, but sometimes we have to risk asking them, especially in the therapy room.
Like, asking the “Why” question.
Listen carefully to how someone answers a why question.
Q1: Why do you want to go into engineering?
A1: Because I’m good at maths.
Compared with
A1. I’m love to design and build things using mathematical principles...
Q2. Why do you want to be a good friend to Hayden?
A2: Because I want him to see that I am a good person.
Compared with
A2: Because I care about him…
Oftentimes, the first response to a Why question might not get to the crux of it. Like a child annoying a parent, we sometimes have to be like a dog with a bone and pursue this a little bit further.
Another example:
Q3. Why do you work so hard?
A. Because I need to provide for the family… We need the money…
Q. Do you have enough? … What is enough?
A: That’s the thing, right? How long is a piece of string—
Q. But if we can go a little further with this, why do you work so hard?
A3: … (sighs) I don’t want my wife and kids to ever feel the lack that I’ve felt growing up. I mean, sometimes we didn’t even know if there was dinner that night.
The Why question is not so dumb after all.
Don’t be afraid to pursue a little deeper. You know when you hit a nerve ending based on the person’s emotional response.
The Why question is not just fuelled by pure curiosity. At the heart of asking the why question in therapy, the question behind the Why question is this:
Are you becoming the person you want to become?
Healing Questions
The enterprise of therapy is not an interrogation process. More accurately, it’s a ‘soul’ process.
The word psyche means soul, and the word therapy means to care. In other words, the endeavour is one of soul-care.
Healing is part of soul-care.
What are some examples of healing questions?
Here’s what I wrote in The First Kiss about my experience as a client:
One time in my life, I was a complete mess. Thankfully, I was in the good hands of a therapist who understood the profound impact of asking not just the right questions, but also using questions that heal.
I remember more the feeling than the actual words that my therapist used in our first session. But I was cognisant enough to note the impact her questions had on me. I was keen to invoke such a powerful feeling in others in my work as a therapist.
Here are snippets of what my therapist asked me:
“How do you keep the life-giving spirit alive in spite of the ongoing struggles?”
“What does it mean to you that you are just trying to do the right thing?”
“Where did you learn to be others-centered and not self-centered in your approach to life?”
“What does that say about you as a person?”
The magic was not in her words; it also wasn’t in the way she said it, though she was bent forward, unhurried and soft. I didn’t have the answers to her questions at that time, but that wasn’t the point. The important point was what I said to myself based on the questions she asked.1 She lit a spark in me.
The effect of those healing questions created a sense of meaning and personal agency... And these were all experienced in the first session!
It was later that I learned about asking questions that trigger “self-reflexivity,” which promotes internalising of our ability and resources.2
I recently heard an interview with the 87-year-old renowned radio and television host, Larry King. He was asked about how he used questions. He said, “Nobody thinks of himself as a bad person….If I were to interview Osama Bin Laden, the stupidest first question would be, ‘Why did you kill 3,000 people on that September day in New York?’ I would have asked him, ‘You grew up in the richest family in Saudi Arabia... Why did you leave?’”3 Such a question is more likely to help the interviewee open up, even if the person’s a terrorist.
Categories of Healing Questions
One way to organise your mind around healing questions is to group them into this 3 x 3 grid:
I am going to offer some suggestions on what each of the nine sections might sound like as questions—but please do not see this as a formulaic prescription. It is meant to give you a form and ‘shape’ to work with, not a formula to adhere to.
Here’s an appetiser of such questions.
1. Self
1a. Past
On the inner-life:
When you were younger, what was your inner-life like?
How did you feel about yourself during the growing up years?
If there was a soundtrack to you childhood, what would it sound like? What songs/tunes would represent?
What was it like moving from childhood to teenage years?
On traumatic experiences:
I was never the same after...
What hurt the most about that event?
What were some the significant events in your history?
- High points?
- Low points?
- Turning Points?
On aspirations:
A dream I've never shared...
What is on your unofficial resume?
On moments of transformation:
What is a risk you took that changed your life?
The most unexpected compliment I ever received.
What are the most surprising things people have said to you?
What is the most bizarre encounter you ever had?
When was the last time you changed your mind? What led to that?
RELATED:
On play history:
What was your play history like?
When was the last time you felt free?
When was the last time you did something for the first time?
2b. Present
On sparks:
What do you really care about?
What makes you come alive?
On play:
What is something fun that you would like to do more of in your life right now?
What is something in your play history that might guide you in your current situation?
On current struggles:
What is saving you right now?
What is blocking the fullness of life right now?
What is something that you need that is missing?
What do you really want?
What does life asking out of you?
Who do you miss the most?
2c. Future
On hope:
What is one thing you are looking forward to in the coming day(s)?
What do you want your future self to know?
What does a fruitful life look like to you?
On worry:
What is your biggest worry about the future? Why?
How much of it is informed by fear? How much of it is informed by reality?
On prevention:
Knowing what you know about yourself, what is something that we have to watch out for in the coming days?
What is one question that you wished I asked you but didn’t?
Who needs to know what you are going through?
2. Relationships
2a. Past
On significant people:
Who has loved you into being?
The part of my parents that I am most afraid of becoming…
Whose attention did you crave for the most as a child?
Who was most generous of their time to you?
How did you receiving this person’s love affect them?
On friendships:
Who was your first friend?
Who were your best friends? What did you like about them? What did they appreciate about you?
What’s an encounter with a stranger you will never forget?
On intimate relationships:"
Who did you fall in love with? Why?
What were relationship breakups like for you?
Who caused you the most hurt in the past? What happened?
Who have you hurt in relationships?
On grief:
What are some significant losses that you've had experienced so far?
How did you grief?
What part of you did you lose when that person passed away?
2b. Present
On significant people:
Who are the people in your life right now that you really care about? And why?
Who is an anchor in your life right now?
Who is one relationship in your life right now that you would like to improve?
On internalised others:
Who is someone that you think about the most?
Whose voice do you carry inside your head that is life-affirming?
Whose voice do you carry inside your head that is life-diminishing?
When you are hyper-critical to yourself inside, whose voice does that remind you of?
On grief:
How do you keep this person alive in you? (the person who passed away)
Do you try to ‘move on’ and not think about it, or do you re-member her in your present living?
Do you make room to grief when grief hits you like an uncontrollable wave?
2c. Future
On connection:
Who is someone you would like to reconnect more with in the coming future?
Which friendships you are likely to take for granted?
Who do you want to spend more time with?
Who do you want to spend less time with?
On forgiveness:
Are there people you need to forgive?
Are there people you think reconciliation is actually possible?
What are the implications for you? What do you need to say or do?
Is there someone you need to seek forgiveness from?
3. Work
Note: Work is not just about occupation/paid employment, but also what one is occupying their time with.
3a. Past
On work experiences:
What was your first job?
What was the worst job you ever had?
What was the best job you ever had?
On Purpose and Meaning:
What is the hardest thing you ever worked on?
What is something that you've done or created that you are most proud of?
Did your job matter to you?
On overwork:
What needs to be done to make life easier for you?
Why do you think “stopping” is hard for you? What do you fear?
There is a reason why you work so hard—What has been the price that you paid?
3b. Present
On occupation:
When you examine how you spend your time, what do you normally occupy yourself with?
What led you to be in your current field of work?
In your mind, is there a distinction between work life and personal life?
On purpose and meaning:
Who matters to you in your organisation?
Does your job give you meaning?
Is what you want and what your organisation wants aligned?
On mentors:
Do you have a mentor that inspires you?
Who do you mentor?
3c. Future
On hope:
What do you hope to do more of in the future, even if it’s beyond your current job?
What do you hope to do less of in the future?
On taking action:
What is one thing that you plan to do that others might not know about you?
What is an area of your life that could use more structure?
What is one thing you would like to create?
Questions as Quests
On Oct 8, 1947, Carl Jung wrote to his colleague, who has been studying Indian Philosophy. He said to Dr. S that he was “climbing too high” up on the ladder of abstraction with “Sanskrit and India.” He commented in his letter, “(This is) really abit much.”
Jung added,
You must go in quest of yourself, and you will find yourself again only in the simple and forgotten things.
Why not go into the forest for a time, literally? Sometimes a tree tells you more than can be read in books.
Questions need not be over-complicated.
Well-formed questions can put us on a quest. A quest that goes deeper than the superficialities.
Once again, I caution that the above is not meant to operate list a checklist. I do not mean the questions to be an exhaustive list.
But I hope we think more about the way we ask questions, become more intention with them, and used them as an instrument to heal.
You are asking questions not to get an answer. You are asking questions to go on a quest with your clients. Be patient for their response. Give them space to process.
In fact, when you ask healing questions, ask it in a soft and invitational tone. Lower your voice, intimating for them to go deeper.
Let healing questions be your instrument as you continue to be their companions.
Notice Board:
I’ve just posted excerpts from a new audio series, HomeKit.
I suspect this might be of help to you and your clients.
Three of the audio series are now made available for free:
If you love them, I would love that you share them with your clients.
If you are interested in HomeKit, join the waitlist.
For more, click here.
Daryl Chow Ph.D. is the author of The First Kiss, co-author of Better Results, The Write to Recovery, Creating Impact, and the latest book The Field Guide to Better Results. Plus, the new book, Crossing Between Worlds.
You might be interested in my other Substack, Full Circles: Field Notes on the Inner and Outer Life.
Anthony Greenwald highlights an important point that people are persuaded by what they tell themselves, rather than the actual content of the message, He called this the “cognitive response model”
Greenwald, A. G. (1968). Cognitive Learning, Cognitive Response to Persuasion, and Attitude Change. Psychological Foundations of Attitudes (pp. 147-170): Academic Press.
In the tradition of narrative therapy, see Karl Tomm’s short article:
Tomm, K. (1989). Externalizing the problem and internalizing personal agency. Journal of Strategic & Systemic Therapies, 8(1), 54-59. doi: https://doi.org/10.1521/jsst.1989.8.1.54
The interview with Larry King was conducted by author and journalist Cal Fussman. See https://tim.blog/2017/08/16/larry-king/ The segment cited in this chapter was at 49:00 min.