Parenting (Part III). Frontiers Friday #157 ⭕️

Siblings, family, and what happens to our kids after we are gone.

Thanks for reading Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development (FPD) and our weekly newsletter, Frontiers Friday (FF). If you are new here, learn about me, the About Page and our “Grand Plan” overview post.

These missives are meant to be what Lewis Hyde describes as true “Gifts.” What this “Gift” concept means for me is that

1. Nothing is expected out of you.

2. I hope you receive it.

3. I hope this animates and transforms you.

4. I hope you spread the love to others.

Part III of the Parenting series is focused on siblings, the family, and what happens beyond us.

FF157. Parenting (Part III)

1. 📕Recommended Read: Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings
   I talked about Laura Markham’s other book in FF155. She talks about “emotion coaching” quite abit, which has got similar principles from emotion focused therapy (EFT).
   If you have more than one kid, or you are working with families, this is a good resource to have.
   Like any good book, it’s easy to read them and think to yourself, “Sounds good…sounds good… sounds good.” This is the perennial issue that learning scientists call a lack of transfer. As you read this book, in each chapter, make an effort to distill down to one actionable step that you can take.
   One of the key things I did after this book was to make sure that I baked into the schedule individual time with my two kids… unfortunately, this is now superseded by other their activities. I need to return to make individual time for each of my kids.
   

2. 📕Recommended Read: Siblings Without Rivalry
   Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are authors of a previous best-selling book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
   I liked the practical suggestions on how to intervene when kids are fighting.
   The old-school comic strips in there are strangely useful!

   

   Instead of worrying about giving equal amounts…

   

   Focus on each child’s individual needs.

   

   Instead of claiming equal love…

   

   Show children how they’re loved uniquely.

3. 📕Recommended Read: Council of Dads

   

   I wept while reading this.
   From the blurb, “A rare form of cancer was threatening not only his life but his family's future as well. A singular question emerged: Who would be there for his wife and daughters if he were gone?”
   This book got me thinking, especially since most of my family aren’t in the same country as we are. Who are the people I want my kids to continue to have ongoing connections with after I’m gone? Besides my wife, who will continue to be their guiding light?
   

   A good pairing with this book is Roman Krznaric’s The Good Ancestor.
   

4. 📕Recommended Read: The Secrets of Happy Families
   Another book by Bruce Feiler. I wish there was a better title to this book, but I can't recommend this enough.
   There’s lots of ideas packed in this book.
   
   Key Grafs:
   - In a survey of a thousand families, Ellen Galinsky, the head of the Families and Work Institute and the author of Mind in the Making, asked children, “If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?” Most parents predicted their kids would say spending more time with them. They were wrong. The kids’ number one wish was that their parents were less tired and less stressed.
   - Hosting family meetings: If you don’t have a safe environment to discuss problems, any plan to improve your family will go nowhere.

   - Simply format for family meetings:
   i. What worked well in our family this week?
   ii. What went wrong in our family this week?
   iii. What will we work on this coming week?

   (DC: My 6-year-old daughter keeps reminder us to reinstate our weekly Family Meetings)
   - Brand your family mission statement: (DC: I know, it sounds cheesy, but if corporations do this, why shouldn’t families take this seriously? It is a good “flight plan” i.e., a direction that the family wants to go as a collective).

   
   

5. ⏸️Words Worth Contemplating:
   “The great paradox of parenting: Even as we come to feel we can’t live without you, our primary job is to prepare you to live without us.”

   ~ Bruce Feiler, The Council of Dads.

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Reflection:

Which way are you going with with your family?

How do you see your clients in the context of their family life?

Notice Board:

1. Greetings from Oslo Norway. Just gave a talk on Undoing the First Session at a Symposium. Big thanks to the Lovisenberg Diaconal Hospital AS for inviting me and the warm reception. Special thanks to Halvor Stavland and Even Halland. I recognise our kinship.

2. You might be interested in my other Substack, Full Circles: Meditations on the Inner and Outer Life. There’s a new one last week called Stumbling on Self Forgetting, somewhat of a genesis story.
   

Daryl Chow Ph.D. is the author of The First Kiss, co-author of Better Results, and The Write to Recovery, Creating Impact, and the new book The Field Guide to Better Results.