Frontiers Friday #84. Client's Point of View (Part I) ⭕
Frontiers Friday #84. Client's Point of View
Updates
What a week.
I was supposed to be in Denmark spending time with a group of clinical supervisors. However, given that Western Australia recently opened its borders to the world, cases were surging. I had to make the last minute call not to travel in case my kids' had to be in isolation (I would not have a happy wife if I was away at such an instance... now one of kids was deemed as close contact). Thankfully the organisers were open to me conducting the training virtually.
...And this is the exactly the right time for technical glitches to happen at Day 1! Connection issues, computer slowing down due to lack of RAM, camera dropping out, needing to re-boot, etc. I've come to realise my days of resistance on spending money for a new laptop is coming close to an end. (I'm still putting up a fight to preserve my 2014 laptop).
Clearly, this was less than ideal for everyone, for me to be beamed on-screen to a group of switched-on clinical supervisors for 4 days.
See below for some of my reflections... But for now, back to the program.
Client's Point of View
What is it like from the other side? This next few weeks, we are going to explore some of the empirical – and not so empirical – research that I've come across.
In this missive, I'd shared a catalogue of questions I've stumbled upon a site called Quora. Not the most scientific website, but nonetheless, noteworthy. Here are some stuff that people shared about their experiences – the good the bad and the ugly – in therapy. As you read through the client's perspective, let them remind you about things you already know.
Sidenote: It seems to me some of the questions might not be "real" questions from clients, but some therapists putting up questions for others to comment on. Nonetheless, the ones I've selected are worth us pondering on, especially some of the replies.
😠 My therapist asks me before every session “what would you like to talk about today?” We’ve had 10+ sessions, shouldn’t she have a plan or understanding of my issues by now?
I love these 2 questions!
I've heard several people articulate this question to me before about their prior experience in therapy.
The real question for therapist to consider is "How do I develop a sense of direction and effective focus for this client, while staying open and adaptive to the unfolding of life happenstance, and weaving this in to the bigger picture?"
Besides, there is no such thing as passive listening (well, maybe on Spotify and radio). You are an active agent of the healing conversation
So yes, deliberation, reflection and making the connection to the bigger picture is needed.
😢 How should I interpret this? My therapist of 2 years recently told me that she will be returning to face to face sessions but only with certain clients and I will not be one of them. I feel so hurt by this. As a client, what would you do in my shoes?
I recently heard someone experienced this exact situation and was so confused and feeling rejected.
😩 After 2 years of therapy, my therapist terminated me mid-session. She stated "because of my dependency on her as well as her countertransference, she could no longer ethically treat me." She then referred me to someone else. I'm devastated. What now?
Read Susan Parifuku's response to this question:"I too, after 2.5 yrs, was "terminated" by my therapist. Reasons were that "I was constantly in crisis", which was true. I saw her after she was my therapist in a residential setting. She was strictly DBT oriented."
⏸ Words Worth Contemplating:
"Love begins with paying attention to others, with an act of gracious self-forgetting. This is the condition in which we grow."
~ John O'Donohue, Anam Cara, p. 28.
Reflection:
The paradox of our personal and professional development is to take the journey from self-examination to worrying less about how smart I sound, how impressive I am, and even how impactful I am.
A sort of "graceful self-forgetting" – to leave oneself – is required in order for us to be to fully engaged in conversation nature of therapeutic emergent reality.
Turn off the self-view. Remove mirrors. Shine the light were it needs to be.
See also:
It's Not About You
Do Not Focus on the Self
The Paradox of Focusing on the Therapist
Updates Redux
Here's a list of my reflections and notes to self after this week's teaching experience:
On Teaching:
"You Haven't Taught Until They Have Learned," A famous phrase from Coach John Wooden that I've violated.
On Day II of trainings, I found myself more pressured in disseminating my ideas than calibrating to see if the audience were at their learning zone. At the end, what occured was a "cognitive overload" for some of the learners.
The feedback from the group confirmed my suspicion. Teaching is not divorced from learning, and clearly, I wasn't teaching well that day.
How do I return to first principles of teaching and learning?
I had the chance to take the feedback and feed-forward to the next 2 days.
I did a walk round the block during the break, and I scribbled down two notes to self and kept that page open the entire time:
i. "Be average"
ii. "Soften the ground"
Let me explain. I'm reminded about lessons from improvisation that the attempt to "perform" can tighten, rigidify and impede us from being open, flexible and agile. "Be average" does not mean accepting mediocrity. To me, it simply means, not just to "not try too hard" but also to remember that "if I can fully accept myself, what I have at that given moment is enough."
The second point on "Soften the ground" simply meant to me to go less on a top-down "heady" side of things, and to connect with a bottom-up "heart" of the audience. This might have paid off for Day III and IV.
On Tech:
Because I was teaching virtually, things got tricky. It was probably more faitguing for the group, who were all gathered in one room.
Here's three thoughts on the use of technology for engagement:
The current technology is designed to make us hyper-focus on ourselves.
Tip: Turn off the self view. After both parties checked that they are in-frame, ask the person on the other end of the call to do likewise.
(Close all other unnecessary app too. Speeds up the old computer).
The current technology is not designed for cultivating empathy. We have no idea how we sound to the other party.
Tip: For the sake of the other party, invest in a good mic. A good microphone benefits the other (and ultimately you too).
Better still, have one that you can monitor or soundcheck your volume input. While consumer technology has made leaps in the visual department, audio on the other hand, has not – or maybe even degraded (think mp3, which are a compressed version of CD quality, chopping off the highs and lows off the frequency bandwidth). What's more, sound carries more emotional input than visuals.
Don't let technology stop you from getting personal. It's very easy to dish out content after content, especially on a virtual platform (which admittedly, I must have done so on occasions). I've found that it's still possible to foster some level of human connection if we make an effort to bridge the divide.
Tip to Self: Have a conversation. Connect with feelings that arise. Give space for people to share them. Remember the sage words of Coach John Wooden, "You haven't taught until they have learned."
Big gratitude to Bruno Vinther and his company for being so accommodative (and for co-facilitating when I was lost in the weeds). Thanks to those who opened up their inner-lives to the rest of the group. You made the experience deeply moving.
I'd be in Denmark for the next round.
BIG HUGS TO NEW PEOPLE WHO ARE AT THEIR FRONTIER!
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