Frontiers Friday #52. Empathy (Part I)
Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development
Frontiers Friday #52. Empathy
Here's one of the "Daily Stories" that I've kept from 2019. ~~~ # 57. Communicating Empathy is Hard...
Date: 8 Mar19
"Amelia, I know you want to play... but I'm so tired from work. Can you just get on with your dinner and stop dillly dally?"
My 5 year-old says to me, 'Papa, I know you are tired from work, but I’m also very tired from school... you did one thing, and I did so many things today... sports, dancing, singing, writing alphabets...'
She’s saying what I said. Her mimicry tells me how un-empathic I’ve been with her, how self-absorbed my attempts to relate and communicate understanding.
In my attempts to communicate empathy, I need to focus less about me, and more about the effects on the other person.
The very few times I managed to communicate a deep sense of understanding, I see a sigh of relief in my daughter, a softening, and often, tears come along. No need to stand stubborn, resist. No need to fight.
Communicating empathy is hard. It is not just about understanding, but it's about helping the other feel understood. It is an act of not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."
~~~
Talking about empathy with therapists is somewhat like a fish trying to describe water. It's difficult. But it's the life-blood of not only of therapeutic communication, but of our humanity. In the next missives, we will also talk about the unintended consequences of empathy. Today, here are 5 recommendations to get us going.
From My Desk: "Listening in Speech"
I was a great husband before I was married.
I was a great parent before I had kids.
I was a great psychotherapist before I began clinical practice.
In my clinical practice, given my years of training and experience, I thought one of my most potent skills as a therapist was listening.
I was wrong.
Since then, I've learned that there is a scaffold to guide us in our attempts: It is the "Will Say, Won't Say, and Can't Say"
Music: Father's Daughter
For many reasons (and beyond reason), I found myself listening to this several times in the last week (Link for Spotify). Sung by my childhood hero Eddie Vedder's daughter, Olivia Vedder (17 yr-old).
This is the soundtrack for a Sean Penn film called Flag Day, a trued story about a con-man father and his daughter. I can't wait to watch it. (BIG Fan of Sean Penn).
Bonus: Watch Eddie Vedder talk about what it's like growing up not knowing his father.
Bookworm: See No Strangers
I've mentioned this book before in . Part memoir and part manifesto. I'm moved by Valerie Kaur's stories of struggles growing up as a Sikh in America, and her call for deep empathy to the wider community. Perhaps the appeal of this book to me is because I feel like a perpetual outsider, both as a Chinese living in Australia, and also in professional circles. This book points out summons empathy as the road to revolutionary love.
Research: Practitioner Empathy and the Duration of the Common Cold David P. Rakel et al 2009
Empathy and common cold?? Turns out that a clinician's empathy has an impact on the severity and duration of common cold. Amazing.
Words Worth Contemplating:
"Deep listening is an act of surrender. We risk being changed by what we hear." ~ Valarie Kaur.
Reflection: Park aside 3 mins. Take a moment and listen to this track with your eyes closed. Notice the movements and stirrings in your body. Empathy requires an act of softening. Soften your demands upon yourself. Listen to the softer voices, the voices that are less privileged, and even the voices that are voiceless. We are all practitioners of the listening art-form.
Thanks for the Beta-Readers!
I'm so grateful to those who raised your hands to be beta-readers for a new book that I'm working on. Can't thank you enough. I hope to see this to fruition in the coming months.
Familiarity...
I just saw an email ad from NICABM on "Making First Sessions Great", a topic that I worked on in the book, The First Kiss (note: it's not a romance novel). Wow. So many of my therapy heroes are in it! If you have seen it, love to hear what you've learned.
BIG HUGS TO NEW SUBSCRIBERS WHO WANT TO BE AT THEIR FRONTIER!
If you've just joined us, I'm glad you can join us at the "bleeding edge." Feel free to check out the back catalogue of Frontiers of Psychotherapists Development (FPD).
And if you want to see past newsletters, click here.
In case you missed it, see the most recent missives
(3 Parts)
(3 Parts)
(4 Parts)
Unintended Consequences (2 Parts)
(4 Parts)
(3 Parts)
(5 Parts)