Frontiers Newsletter Sept'17
What's a "Yes"...
... When you can't say "No"?
Saying "No" is probably one of the hardest things for therapists to utter. We don't want to let others down. We hate to disappoint. Afterall, we are nice people.
What's a "yes", when we can't say "no"?
This is an issue I face. It's hard to turn down opportunities and requests. I don't want to hurt other people's feelings when I feel like I should say no.
But the lesson I'm learning—mind you, it sounds simple, but not easy— is to change my default to NO. Unless it's something I can fully commit to, I'm reconfigure my automatic response from a yes to a no.
A friend and colleague was in town from the eastern states. I was really keen to catch up with him while he was here conducting trainings, but the truth is, between family commitments and stockpile of work and projects, I simply couldn't make it.
So instead of saying to him, "I'd do my best to make it," I had to say, "I'm so sorry. I would have loved to catch up. Given the situation as you know, please take it that I can't make it this Friday. If things change, I'd definitely let you know..."
Don't get me wrong. I feel really bad, even though my friend has been so understanding. But the reality is that I would be burning myself out to travel and meet him, as he could only make it in the early this morning.
I appreciate I'm not alone in this inner battle with the word "No". People I mentor (and clients) face the same conflicted relationship with the word, "No."
In the following links below, I'd share some stuff on this topic that might be of help. (Feel free to say not interested!)
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News You Can Use:
1. Famous People Saying No
This is Austin Kleon's Compilation of famous people saying No
E.B. White's response to an invitation "I must decline, for secret reasons."
2. Either "Hell Yeah" or No.
Derek Sivers has been an instrumental mentor to me.
In his book, Anything You Want, he has a chapter called No "Yes." Either "Hell Yeah!" or "NO". The entire book is less than 90 pages, but I keep returning to it.
Here's Derek's blog post on this same topic (Click here)
3. Anti-goals
I'm going through an online course by Scott H Young at the moment, called Rapid Learning.
One of the things that I like what he describes about what a good process entails:
The system must tell you what work to do.
The system must tell you what work NOT to do...
In our workshops, we call this stuff in our Panic Zone. it's important to define our constrains.
As we focus on our goals, we also need to know what NOT to focus on.
Read this article.
Secretary to novelist Saul Bellow:
“Mr Bellow informed me that he remains creative in the second half of life, at least in part, because he does not allow himself to be a part of other people’s ‘studies.’ ”
Sept Reading List: 1. The Small Big:
It's embarrassing to admit, but I bought this book by mistake! I was exploring stuff by the comedian Steve Martin, and this book came up in my search.
And I thought, "Wow, Steve Martin wrote a book with the persuasion scientist, Bob Caldini! I must check it out."
I'm so glad I made this blunder. It turns out that this small book, has kept me engaged the entire month! I simply can't spend read it. Every chapter, while short, packs a punch.
For example, if you work in an agency and are looking for practical ways to reduce DNAs, there's some practical suggestions on this.
If part of your learning agenda is to help your clients engage with their therapy homework/asssignments, these authors got some tips for you.
(Related must reads: Robert Caldini's classic Influence, and his more recent book, Presuasion)
2. Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
So this was the book I was actually looking for, instead of of Small Big. I ended up purchasing the audiobook version instead. I'm glad I did, as you get to hear Steve Martin narrate his story unabridged.
What's always striking is to learn about the hard road he had taken and the sacrifices he had made, especially in his early days.
We often see only the consequence of someone's work, and marvel at the results. And we say something along the lines of "Wow, this guy's got talent." We fail to appreciate the toil and the process of what someone like Steve Martin had gone through to get where he is.
FROM MY DESK:
From Frontiers...
1. Terrible Gifts in Therapy
No. I'm not referring to the chocolates your client gave to you.
2. The Iterative Pathway of a Psychotherapist's Professional Development
Note: There's a free infographic made specific from you :)
3. Specific Ways to Build a Portfolio of Mentors
This is a second part to the first post on Do Not Seek Out a Supervisor.
From my other blog, Full Circles: Reflections on Living:
1.One Powerful Question to Ask Each Other
Older posts:
2. The Myth of Doing It On Your Own
3. Act in Order to Know (Not the Reverse)
4. The Music of Your Emotions: Why It is Important to Listen
(Subscribe here if you like to stay up-to-date on Full Circles. This is a different list from Frontiers...)
NEW RELEASE
These books are finally out in print and ebook downloads!
Here's the two chapters we've got in there:
Chow, D. (2017). The practice and the practical: Pushing your clinical effectiveness to the next level. In D. Prescott, C. Maeschalck, & S. D. Miller (Eds.), Reaching for Excellence: Feedback-Informed Treatment in Practice: APA.
Miller, S. D., Hubble, M., & Chow, D. (2017). Professional development: An Oxymoron? In T. Rousmaniere, R. K. Goodyear, S. D. Miller, & B. Wampold (Eds.), The Cycle of Excellence: Using Deliberate Practice in Supervision, Training, and Independent Practice Wiley Press.
SPECIAL NOTE: IF YOU HAVE BOUGHT EITHER OF THESE BOOKS, drop me an email.
I'd send you a copy of the Taxonomy of Deliberate Practice Activities (TDPA, Chow & Miller, 2015) that we refer to in our chapters.
If you haven't yet seen the book by my friend and colleague Tony Rousmaniere (also a co-editor of one of the books above), called Deliberate Practice for Psychotherapist, you must check it out.. He takes you on his personal journey in his pursuit of get better .
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Understanding the Professional
From our research and workshops that we've done, it is clear that therapist prize professional development.
What is your single biggest challenge that you face in your professional development?
Please take 1-2mins to complete this short survey.
I really appreciate it. (Btw, you get a free ebook at the end of the survey)
Til then, please stay in touch. Love to hear back from you, if you have any questions or comments.
Reach me at daryl@darylchow.com
p/s: Feeling grateful for this community of individuals who are always striving for professional development (not perfection :)).
Blessings,
Daryl Chow, Ph.D.
Senior Associate & Trainer, International Center for Clinical Excellence (ICCE);
Endorsed Counselling Psychologist & Board Approved Supervisor (Aus),
Henry Street Centre, Fremantle, W Australia.
Senior Psychologist (on locum),
Institute of Mental Health, Singapore.
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